July 27, 2009
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December 11, 2007
UN CLIMATE CONFERENCE CONCLUDES WITH AGREEMENT THAT WEATHER IN BALI IS WONDERFUL
As a United Nations global warming conference entered the final stretch Tuesday on the Indonesian resort island of Bali, the United States and the European Union remained deadlocked on whether countries should commit now to including specific cuts in climate-warming emissions in a new agreement that would not be fully negototiated for at least two more years. The conference, however, was not at a complete dead-lock, as representatives from all member nations agreed that, indeed, the weather in Bali was wonderful. While progress on more substantive issues appears elusive, all hope is not lost as negotiations on climate control essential to the future health of the planet are set to continue next year at the Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas.
December 09, 2007
ATHEIST-THEMED 'GOLDEN COMPASS' PRAYING FOR A MIRACLE
The Golden Compass pointed south this weekend, opening with an estimated $26.1 million, significantly less than the $30 million to $40 million New Line Cinema had predicted. The film had been widely criticized by church groups, particularly Catholic organizations, for its supposed anti-religious message, and New Line worldwide distribution and marketing president Rolf Mittweg concedes that might have had an impact. "All we can do now is pray", said Mittweg, who is hoping that the film's international box office and DVD revenue will make up the difference. Asked what he thought were the chances of that happening, Mittweg just shook his head. "I don't know...The Lord works in mysterious ways."
December 08, 2007
GOD BACKS HUCKABEE; DEVIL STILL UNDECIDED
In a question and answer session at Liberty University, Mike Huckabee, candidate for the Republican nomination, declared that God was behind the recent surge in his poll numbers. The announcement sent remaining candidates scrambling for endorsements from other supernatural and mythological entities. Hillary Clinton quickly followed by announcing she had just received the backing of 'Mother Earth', while Fred Thompson dispatched representatives to the North Pole to negotiate for the support of Santa Claus. When Barack Obama was asked which omnipotent power he was pursuing, he simply smiled and said "I already have Oprah."
Related: Two Fish And Five Loaves
January 19, 2007
CLINTONS PLACED IN CHARGE OF HOUSE PAGE PROGRAM
The House on Friday overhauled the board supervising its teenage pages, responding to a scandal that left youngsters vulnerable to a lawmaker's sexual come-ons and helped Democrats win control of Congress.
The vote was 416-0 to nominate Senator Hillary Clinton as chairman of the House Page Board, whose Republican chairman never told two board colleagues that he believed — for a year — that Rep. Mark Foley was a "ticking time bomb."
The expanded board also will include former US President Bill Clinton to add a new pair of eyes to spot any future
talent examples of misconduct.
Related: House Overhauls Page Program Board
May 13, 2006
PARIS HILTON DEBUTS NEW '4PLAY' VIDEO GAME
Paris Hilton unveiled her new video game on Thursday in a brief appearance at the Electronic Entertainment Expo. Aptly titled, "4Play" puts in charge of Paris Hilton and three of her skankiest friends as they embark on a quest to find the magical joystick of love. The game has not yet been x-rated.
May 12, 2006
NSA TO LAUNCH NEW CONSUMER PHONE SERVICE
The Nationa Security Agency announced today plans to unveil a new consumer phone service tentatively titled "SafeCall". The service, a first for a governmental agency, will include unique features such as CALL MONITORING, CALL RECORDING, and CALL TRACKING. In addition, consumers will be given the choice to use a pre-recorded statement from President George W. Bush on their voicemail instead of the usual welcome message.
XXX DOMAIN NAME TO BE REPLACED BY .FUK
Faced with opposition from conservative groups and some pornography Web sites, the Internet's key oversight agency voted Wednesday to reject a proposal to create a ".xxx" domain name for use by the adult entertainment industry. However, a last minute compromise brokered by the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers will allow the use of a new ".FUK top level domain on a voluntary basis. Other compromises considered and ultimately discarded were ".ASS", ".PUS", and ".SCREW".
Related: Internet Agency Kills .XXX Idea
May 09, 2006
AHMADINEJAD OFFERS BUSH 'FINAL' SOLUTION
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has written to George W. bush proposing a 'final solution' the world's 'problems'. In an 18 page letter, Ahmadinejad declares that liberalism and democracy have failed, and that the United States should drop a nuclear bomb on Israel and also declare itself a muslim nation. Alternatively, Ahmadenijad offerres to play Bush in a winner-take-all championship of the classic board game 'Risk' provided Bush lets Ahmadinejad use his 'lucky' Persian dice.