The Pavement.com

NSA TO LAUNCH NEW CONSUMER PHONE SERVICE

The Nationa Security Agency announced today plans to unveil a new consumer phone service tentatively titled "SafeCall".  The service, a first for a governmental agency, will include unique features such as CALL MONITORING, CALL RECORDING, and CALL TRACKING.  In addition, consumers will be given the choice to use a pre-recorded statement from President George W. Bush on their voicemail instead of the usual welcome message.

Related:  Left And Right Question NSA Spying Program

GOOGLE TO ADD EXTRA 'O' AFTER SUCCESSFUL IPO

Google's stock jumped 18% when it debuted Thursday on the Nasdaq stock market, reaping a $1.8 Billion cash windfall for the company, which decided to add a third 'O' to its name to better represent the newly invigorated search giant. Given its current market price, Gooogle's valuation places it the $25 billion range, something akin to its search rival Yahoo. In what is becoming a tradition, Yahoo, not to be outdone, quickly followed suit by announcing that it, too, would be adding another 'O' to its name.

Related: Google Shares Top 100 On Debut

NEW YORK SAFE WITH STEWART BEHIND BARS

Serial gourmet and hardcore homemaker Martha Stewart choked back tears and pleaded for leniency prior to being sentenced to five months in prison Friday for lying about a stock sale. But the woman who saw her empire crippled over a single transaction smiled boldy into the cameras outside to denounce her treatment, pitch her company and vow: "I'll be back." Prosecutor Karen Patton Seymour tried to reassure the local crowd by telling them they could 'sleep safely' for the next five months at least.

Related: Steward Sentenced To Five Months In Prison

THOUSANDS FLEE WALL STREET AS INTEREST RATES RISE

The Federal Reserve raised its target for a key interest rate by a quarter-point Wednesday, starting a panicked frenzy amongst Wall Street-types that lead to thousands of bankers, traders, and accountants wildly fleeing downtown Manhattan and leaving it in a state of absolute bedlam. The move by the Fed has
started what is expected to be a cycle of rising interest rates that effectively pulls the plug on the cheapest credit in decades. One eyewitness to the scene reported the situation to be very similar to Pamplona, referring to that Spanish town's annual festival known as 'the running of the bulls'.

Related: Fed Bumps Up Rates A Quarter-Point

GREENSPAN NAMED FED RESERVE 'GLORIOUS LEADER'

President Bush formally nominated Alan Greenspan for the unique title of "Glorious Leader" of the Federal Reserve, reassuring investors about the most powerful economic post in the country. Greenspan, 78 has already been Fed chairman for nearly 17 years and has navigated the economy through the boom of the 1990's as well as through two recessions, two stock market crashes, terrorist attacks, and two seperate wars in Iraq. The new title will confer unlimited economic power to Greenspan for the duration of his existence, and comes with the additional title of 'Chairman For Life'.

Related: Greenspan Nominated For 5th Term At Fed

APRIL JOBS REPORT: NEW OPENINGS FOR PRISON GUARDS

US employment surged for a second straight month during April as the Labor Department reported a significant amount of new openings in the "Prison Guards Needed For Iraq" category. The report
was a boost to the Bush administration, which touted it's Iraqi Invasion as a key driver in turning the economy around. In addition to the surprisingly robust job growth, the unemployment rate dipped to 5.6% as casualties in Iraq reduced the overall work force.

Related: US Jobs Report Stronger Than Expected

NEW 'APPRENTICE' PINK-SLIPPED; JOB TO BE OUT-SOURCED

After getting the nod, and a electric blue sports car, and partying all night long with his new boss, 'Apprentice' winner Bill Rancic showed up for his first day of work only to find an unexpected surprise -- he'd been pink slipped already. Rancic's new job, to oversee the new Trump International Hotel And Tower in Chicago, had been outsourced to India -- to one Raj Gupta, in particular, 23-year-old business wunderkind from Hyderbad. "I'm quite sorry for him, actually," said Gupta, smoking a cigar purchased from Rancic's online company, "but that's life. Perhaps he should try out for 'Survivor'?" Rancic was not reachable buy phone, but a voice message said he might be found in person at the local unemployment office.

Related: 'Apprentice' Hits The Ground Running

WALMART TO LAUNCH 'OPERATION ROLLBACK PRICES' TO PACIFY INGLEWOOD

Refusing to give in to 'insurgent' workers who rallied to defeat Wal-Mart's plans to set up a Supercenter in Inglewood, California, Wal-Mart is aggressively pushing a new plan to 'pacify' Inglewood and other 'troublesome' areas in the so-called 'Cali Triangle'. Operation Rollback Prices, to be launched with all
the pricing power that Wal-Mart has to bear, will seek to salvage the SuperRetailers overall plan to expand from rural and suburban America into the heart of its major metropolii. Critics, however, contend that the plan entails use of 'excessive force' and will ultimately embolden the local populace.

Related: Walmart says defeat in Inglewood Won't Affect Other Plans In California

EX-ENRON CEO SUFFERS 'BROWNOUT'

Former Enron Chief Executive Officer Jeffrey Skilling was taken to a Manhattan hospital early Friday after several people called police saying he was pulling on their clothes and accusing them of being FBI agents, The Associated Press reported, citing a police source familiar with the incident. Police found Skilling at 4 a.m. at Park Avenue and East 73rd Street and determined he might be an "emotionally disturbed person," the AP cited the source as saying. He was taken to New York Presbyterian Hospital for observation, where doctors say that Skilling suffered a 'brownout'. The prognosis was good, however, in that Skilling's lights
had only 'temporarily dimmed', and that he should regain 'full power'.

Related: Ex-Enron CEO Taken To NY Hospital

KERRY: SURGING JOBS REPORT APRIL FOOL'S JOKE

While President Bush sought on Saturday to squeeze more political mileage out of news that American employers added the most workers in four years, Democratic rival John Kerry called this month's
blockbuster job report simply an 'April Fool's' joke from the Bush Labor Department, and added: "It's a sick, joke, indeed".

Related: Bush, Kerry Duel Over Economy's Health